Seven Days
by Kirke
Summary: ZaphodArthur slash. Movieverse. Boys have a fight, Trillian doesn't care.


**Title: **Seven Days

**Characters/Pairing: **Arthur/Zaphod, Trillian, Ford

**Word Count:** 2,042 (ok, that was totally unintentional:P)

**Rating:** NC-13 (language, ladies!)

**Author's Notes:** The fic was created as a response to Zaphod/Arthur lyricwheel challenge. The song I got was "One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies (lyrics at the bottom). The song is insane, fast, funny, chaotic, sexy, makes no sense most of the time and I don't understand half of the lyrics… a perfect Zaphod!song :D I hope I caught at least a part of that insanity in my fic. Was trying the best :D

**SEVEN DAYS**

"You're _crazy_! Jesus, get that thing away from me! And stop grinning you mor… oh my God, it moooved!"

It's not an unusual event to hear screams and curses onboard the Heart of Gold, it is unusual when a day passed_without_ any screaming and cursing. You could even say, considering that the passengers of the said ship were often kidnapped, maimed, drunk, horny, in a bad mood or in a very bad mood (that has usually a lot to do with being kidnapped and maimed) that it's highly improbable for such day to happen.

It's even less probable that the screaming and cursing were not coming from Arthur Dent and when there's screaming, and Arthur, and Heart of Gold involved in one sentence, then it's either about tea (or rather the constant lack of it) or Zaphod Beeblebrox.

"I swear to God, Zarquon and whoever else there is, I'm going to hit you, if you get near me with that… _thing_again, got it? Take it _away_, Zaphod!"

Ah, yes.

Trillian was already used to their fights, they have them on regular basis these days but it didn't mean she had learned to accept them. She had wanted adventures and excitement in her life, true but she wasn't sure if having to witness her ex-boyfriends (that were currently each other boyfriends, hence the problems) having constantly the same pointless quarrels about everything and nothing, could be count as 'adventurous'. If yes, she sure like hell would have made a much better choice, if she became a marriage counselor.

She couldn't help but raise an eyebrow as the thought strike her. Marriage, yes, they were definitely acting like an old married couple. She hadn't thought they would last longer than a week and looking at them now, almost a year later, she was slowly starting to realize that perhaps they were a permanent fix...

There silence that fallen had a eerie feel to it, so Trillian cocked her head to the side trying to determinate had they killed each other or perhaps were just in the middle of making out… up, making _up_. A very clear sound of stomping could be heard and Arthur stormed past her, looking like one of the furies incarnated.

She considered following him, partly out of the need to make sure he'd be fine but mostly, because she's curious about what happened on the bridge. The inner struggle lasted for about three seconds and she knew she needed to do the right thing… the right thing for her that is. Arthur was going to be pissed off like hell, venting to Ford and she didn't really want to be on the receiving end of the banter, because she knew it all by heart. Ford was the patient one, she was not and he was probably already getting an earful what a moronic semi-cousin he had. Really, Arthur should have had a stencil prepared, fill the gaps when needed and just hand it around when the right opportunity strike. She could see it already: 'He's such a insert the appropriate insult, I really don't know what the hell am I still doing with him! Do you know what he did/said? He insert the short explanation. Insult!.'

Since out of the two options she had left now one of those was simply unacceptable (that would be hiding in her room, hoping for this particular problem to be resolved between the three man of the ship- boooriiiiing), she strolled forward, until she found herself on the bridge. Zaphod was still there of course, sitting on the sofa, two of his arms stretched on its back in the most brazen way, someone watching Imperial News could muster. He didn't seem to be distressed and that didn't surprise her at all. When she though that they had fight she didn't mean the usual fight you could expect between two people, their version was always slightly altered. To put it simply, Arthur was the one doing all the shouting, insulting and fuming, while the galactic president just tried to calm him down, saying things that in the most cases, pissed the human off even more, because, really 'baby, don't worry, I_like_ you fat!' is not what you should say, when someone is complaining about their weight.

Actually, it should_never_be said.

Trillian considered the opening line carefully, 'you two had a fight' was just too nosy and she didn't want to sound nosy mostly because she's not. Oh and just for the record? She also hadn't been eavesdropping.

"Arthur looked quite pissed off. What did you do to him this time?" Yes, polite and forward, and not nosy at all… ok, just forward but since Zaphod was from a planet that had thirty nine words for 'evident' and one for 'prying' she didn't think he'd mind that. To be honest, she had a strong believe that after all that whining the Betelgeusian made about humans always stating the obvious and asking dumb question, he should have appreciate that.

Zaphod tilted his head a bit, not taking his eyes from the screen and answered in the typical matter-of-fact tone of his "I wanted to give him a present but I don't think he liked it, though I'm not sure why."

"Really?" that got her interested. Arthur usually was a sucker for any kind of gifts, including the dumb and useless ones, so whatever it was that his lover had tried to give him, must have been either scary or disgusting. Or both. "What was it?"

Zaphod didn't answer, simply threw her a quick grin and reached on the side to produce a small round box. It didn't look dangerous but she approached cautiously. If whatever was inside it made Arthur squeal like a girl (and she was pretty sure she remembered something about 'moving'), she preferred not to get too close. Zaphod on the other hand didn't seem to be worried, he was still grinning as he pushed a small button, opening the box and revealing… something. She wasn't quite sure what it was.

"You bought him jelly?"

The glance she got this time was far from amused. The blond scowled at her, as she had just said that she didn't like his haircut. "It's a gal'tka." He informed her, like that was suppose to explain everything. Trillian stared inside of the box for a while but if anyone asked her, it still looked like a purple jelly with small tentacles. "What does it do?"

"It's the greatest male-to-male sex aid you could possibly think of!" he begun excited "you split it three parts, right? You leave one part to grow back and the other two to have fun with. It's great. Costs a fortune but this one guy owned me a lot and he didn't really have any money but his sister or mother, or whatever owns a gal'tka farm, you know? So he gave me this instead."

Trillian watched both fascinated and grossed out as the jel… gal'tka twitched few times as Zaphod was lecturing her. The reason for Arthur's bad mood suddenly became as apparent as Zaphod's ego "You told Arthur all this?"

"Yeah. I even showed him how to apply it."

Trillian nodded in full understanding "Don't leave the sofa" she said with a smile "I have no doubt you'll spend some time on it."

* * *

Zaphod of course didn't sleep on the sofa. As usually in those situations, it was Arthur that moved out temporarily from their shared cabin into his old one. First two days the tension was really a bit too much for Trillian's liking. Every time that Zaphod walked inside the room that the Earthman was currently in, he earned That Kind Of Glance That Said It All, which was always answered by the 'whateva' grin. She didn't try to assist them in any way though, she knew the pattern all too well now. A couple of days of silent treatment, a couple of days of awkward looks, then a realization of 'maybe I've overreacted/shouldn't have done that' on both parts and a slow progress to the most obvious conclusion they could come up with 'maybe it was_our_ fault'.

The same story, every time. Ants learned quicker.

Seven days since the whole mess had begun, Trillian was walking in the direction of the kitchen, when she spotted Ford coming from the opposite direction. The Betelgeusian had a wicked grin on his face, the one she had only seen on special occasions and that got her really worried. When it came to this ship the 'special occasions' usually indicated something highly inappropriate.

"You don't want to get near the kitchen now, Trillian" he informed her, the wide smile still coloring his face. The moments like these were the ones that were making her realize that though Zaphod and Ford seemed to be two totally different people, they really were related. Closely, she presumed, after all, three mothers were a lot, right?

"What happened?"

"It's not what happened as much as what's happening. Zaph and Arthur decided they aren't not talking anymore."

"In the kitchen?"

"On the table."

"Oh…" That really sucked, she was quite hungry and knowing them and the way they were 'apologizing' to each other, this could take really long. Ford seemed to be reading her mind because he just shrugged "Don't worry, I have some food in my room. The moment I realized that Zaphod was going through the fertility phase I stocked up, in case of such emergency. There's a bit of…"

"Wait, what? What did you say? Can you repeat that?" She stuck a finger in her ear, trying to nudge her Babel Fish a bit. The poor thing must have had indigestion because she could swear she heard 'Zaphod's fertility phase' in that sentence somewhere.

"I said I have some food in my room because I stocked up as soon as I realized that Zaphod was going through his fertility phrase. I've got some…"

Once again Trillian stopped him mid-sentence. "You know, that's the second time I hear this term and now" she snorted "it makes even less sense! What are you talking about?"

"Oh you know, the subconscious Betelgeusian fertility phase" He said that in the same way Zaphod had been explaining her about 'gal'tka' a week earlier. It was like they truly believed that repeating certain words enough times would make these words understandable.

"I'm sorry but they didn't teach us about 'subconscious Betelgeusian fertility phases' at school." She pointed out patiently

Ford took her by the elbow and begun slowly walking her to his cabin "Oh. Well, we are, technically speaking, biologically sterilized if we have sex often. The only to have the swimmers back into the shape is to be abstinent for few days. That's why we have sex a lot. The more sex the less children, right?"

"Wait…" Trillian's eyebrows shot up when her brain managed to actually comprehend what Ford was saying. She saw a scary picture, the numbers of this equations actually started to add up "Are you trying to tell me, that Zaphod initiates these fight, because, he wants to havea _baby_ ?"

"Yeah."

"Does heknowthat Earthmen don't get pregnant?"

Ford frowned at her, obviously startled by the lack of understanding on her part "It's _subconscious_, if he realized what he's doing then it would be_conscious_ so he wouldn't be doing it subconsciously, if at all, right?"

"Well, yes, sure but…" she scratched the tip of her nose, trying to decide what to say. But a baby? But with Arthur? But a baby with Arthur? She sighed, annoyed. Too complicated for her. Quantum physics she could do, Betelgeusian logic? Apparently not "Are you going to tell him?"

"Naaaah, he'll understand it himself eventually, besides, I actually do want a little semi-cousin to spoil." For a second Trillian was tempted to point out the nonsensicality of the statement but decided against it. She had seen more improbable things taking place since she had boarded the ship, so who knew, maybe in few months time there would be an Arthur junior roaming the corridors.

"I think I'd be a great aunt" she said finally, following Ford into his cabin.

* * *

"One Week"

By Barenaked Ladies

It's been one week since you looked at me  
Cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry"  
Five days since you laughed at me saying  
"Get that together come back and see me"  
Three days since the living room  
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you  
Yesterday you'd forgiven me  
but it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink  
As I make you stop, think  
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman  
I summon fish to the dish, although I like the Chalet Swiss  
I like the sushi  
'cause it's never touched a frying pan  
Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes  
Big like LeAnn Rimes  
Because I'm all about value  
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits  
You try to match wits, you try to hold me but I bust through  
Gonna make a break and take a fake  
I'd like a stinkin achin shake  
I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavours  
Gotta see the show, cause then you'll know  
The vertigo is gonna grow  
Cause it's so dangerous,  
you'll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad  
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad  
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral  
Can't understand what I mean?  
Well, you soon will  
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve  
I have a history of taking off my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me  
Threw your arms in the air  
and said "You're crazy"  
Five days since you tackled me  
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees  
It's been three days since the afternoon  
You realized it's not my fault  
not a moment too soon  
Yesterday you'd forgiven me  
And now I sit back and wait til you say you're sorry

Chickity China the Chinese chicken  
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'  
Watchin' X-Files with no lights on  
We're dans la maison  
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one  
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic  
Like Sting I'm tantric  
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy

Like Kurasawa I make mad films  
Okay, I don't make films  
But if I did they'd have a Samurai  
Gonna get a set a' better clubs  
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs  
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the back-swing  
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon  
'Cause the cartoon has got the boom anime babes  
That make me think the wrong thing

How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad  
Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad  
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral  
Can't understand what I mean?  
Well, you soon will  
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve  
I have a history of losing my shirt

It's been one week since you looked at me  
Dropped your arms to your sides  
and said "I'm sorry"  
Five days since I laughed at you and said  
"You just did just what I thought you were gonna do"  
Three days since the living room  
We realized we're both to blame,  
but what could we do?  
Yesterday you just smiled at me  
Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry

It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry  
It'll still be two days till we say we're sorry  
Birchmount Stadium, home of the Robbie


End file.
